I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
