I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
