if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
