my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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