She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
