we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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