So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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