just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
