She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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