So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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