We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
