There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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