He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
