I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
