Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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