When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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