You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
