I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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