I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
