belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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