So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
