Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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