the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
