I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
