Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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