Someone shit on the floor
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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