Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
