to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
