too bad you live with your parents still
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
