Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
