Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
