my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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