So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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