He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
