my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
