Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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