I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
