My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
