I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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