I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
