You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
