her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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