I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
