That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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