I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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