Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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