I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
