$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
