you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
