Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
