you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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