I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
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i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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