During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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