i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
