White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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