I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
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this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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