I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
