it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
