She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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