I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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